I have been away from writing for far too long. I managed to get myself into a very dark place emotionally and couldn’t seem to move through it. On most days I can look at what is happening and how my being is reacting to the environment and make adjustments to my thinking and my reactions and keep moving in a pretty positive direction. This time some of those imaginary problems crept up at the same time as some very real, real world challenges and things got ahead of me and I basically crumbled. Serial anxiety attacks, self loathing, depression and all that other stuff that was more or less parked away all came rolling back into my life.
Then some physically illnesses and an injury that took me out of an Easter production and stuff just got weird. I totally lost my coping skills and thought my way into a corner. Luckily I have an amazing wife and partner who has learned so much about the weirdness that is my brain pan. She was able to get me back on track and point me in the right direction again.
I am back to looking at the world through the lens of gratitude, love, and hope. It is when I look to those three emotions, feelings, or states of mind, however you label them, that I am at my best. She also taught me a lot about some of my triggers and visual cues that bring on or give warning signs to my anxiety attacks. That was the most amazing part of this experience, seeing her demonstrate very solid understanding of what was happening.
So now I feel as though I am getting back on track and will be writing my blog on a regular basis again. I am not sure exactly what that means but I am thinking weekly at this point, but we shall see. I am also working on a book-ish project and a video documentary about mental illness, what it looks like from the inside and some coping mechanisms that I use. There is also talk of a photo shoot attempting to visualize some of my mental and physical health issues, triggers and reactions.
Add to all of that, festival rehearsal season is underway so all of this may be a very slow moving process so as to not overwhelm me or my family and support system. I am excited about these things and am really hoping that they all come to pass.