I have just spent a little more than a month pretty deep in my own head, never a good idea to do. I have been dealing with pretty large anxiety attacks, bipolar depression and a few medical issues that have sidelined me from some of my favorite activities. Even the suicidal thoughts have been creeping back into my head. No I have no plans to act of them and in reality they never really go away, but lately they have been more present and have had more energy. All in all 2016 has not been a good year, health wise, for me and the people around me.
When we reach our low points, it is easy and all too common to ask why. Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to go through this? This has happened to me during this series of episodes, up until yesterday. Yesterday was not good. I was feeling drained and tired and frustrated with everything that is “wrong with me”, that is until the questioning started. It was the same question. Why is this happening to me, except this time it came across different.
This time the questioning was coming from self pity or any kind of space like that. It came from a space of service. I have bipolar disorder. I have generalized anxiety. I have severe back problems. I am agoraphobic. I have a significant list of things that are “wrong with me”. I am also relatively speaking, a high functioning person. I also have a spiritual philosophy of a purposeful life and universe. So the question was, why is this happening to me? There is a purpose and reason that I have been placed in this specific situation. There is a purpose to being who I am. What is the reason for the way my life has manifested? What is mine to do with this?
I am an ordained minister. To many I am a life coach or mentor. I have mental illnesses and physical challenges that I have by and large managed quite well. I am a person who needs a great deal of support but I am also a large portion of other people’s support system. There is a path. There is a way. There is work to be done. I need to find it. I need to be open to receiving it.
I am not sure what is in front of me but I am open to it and am looking forward to the journey.