A little rambly today.
Last night my wife and I were filling out a silly survey on Facebook. You know the kind. Ask your spouse the following questions and put down exactly what they say. It is supposed to be a fun way of looking at how much you know or don’t know about the other person. Everything was going quite well. We are finding out that we do know quite a bit about each other, at least as far as these games go. It was a lot of fun.
Then a got this question. What make you proud of me? I would imagine there are a lot of different ways this could go. The answer I received was not one I was expecting. She answered, quite calmly, “Every day you wake up and you decide to keep on living.”
Wow. This blew me away. I have tried to be very open and up front about my mental illness and how it affects me. I write about the challenges and the successes that I have working my way through recovery. I have always wondered if the people around me get where I come from sometimes. Then I get that.
No only was that a bit of a shock that she would think to respond with that, but it was quite a shock that she really got, and that level, what can go on in my head. I always hoed she understood and was capable of giving the level of support that I needed. I never dreamed that, in that simple statement, she would be able to explain to me that, yes, I get you.
This was such an important revelation to me that I was awake for quite some time after she had fallen asleep. I knew I had her support and that she worried about me all the time. Sometimes, it drives me up the wall knowing that she worries as much as she does. But to say that what makes her proud of me is something as basic and seemingly simple as “you were alive all day today.” as much as I struggle with my own head space sometimes, and how long this swing has lasted, I have not been alone with it. She has always been there and will continue to be there and that is the best thing I could be told.
That felt so good to hear, after the initial, oh wow that was deep. I try to hold the high watch for my friends and other people that look to me for support and example. I have an amazing person backing me up, holding the high watch for me. For that I am so happy and so grateful.
Today I am grateful for understanding.